


Know When to Hold ‘Em

by mimssio



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-18
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-09-09 16:01:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,093
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8898328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimssio/pseuds/mimssio
Summary: Jake and Amy were arguing about something, but Jake and Amy were always arguing about something.
Poker night with the Nine-Nine.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SarahT](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahT/gifts).



Jake and Amy were arguing about something, but Jake and Amy were always arguing about something.

Gina poked her head into the break room. “Hey! Can you keep down your dumb argument? I’m about to crack this level in Kwazy Kupcakes, and I require an atmosphere of concentration.”

Jake, not turning around, said, “Sorry, Gina, but I think you underestimate the importance of a cop’s poker-playing abilities. I need to defend my honor here!”

“Ugh, so your dumb argument is about who’s better at poker? You can literally just play a game of poker, this isn’t hard. Just stop being so distracting while I’m busy.” Gina sashayed out of the break room with more flair than necessary, flipping up her hood and returning to her desk.

“Gina’s right,” Amy declared. “All we need is a friendly but competitive poker night, and we can settle this.”

“All right, but A) you can’t really play poker with just two people, and B) we’re calling it Poker Night Nine-Nine: Know When to Hold ‘Em,” Jake pointed out. He strode into the center of the precinct bullpen and clapped his hands together. “Okay, everyone! Amy and I need to find out who’s better at poker, so who’s up for a poker night? Hitchcock and Scully, you’re not invited.”

“Oh yeah? Well, we’ll have our own poker night!” called Hitchcock from his desk.

“Oh, do we have to? We could just sit on the couch and have snacks for dinner,” replied Scully.

“Yeah, good point. Count us out,” announced Hitchcock.

“Oh.. kay then,” Jake said slowly. “But seriously, Rosa, you in? Sarge? Gina? Charles?” Jake pointed to each of them in turn.

“Yeah, I’m in,” Rosa said, leaning against her desk.

“You know Terry’s up for poker night, as long as I get home in time to tuck in the twins,” said Terry.

“Did I not tell you to be quiet so I could concentrate?” complained Gina. “But yes, I will see you there and kick your ass.”

Charles shrugged, “Ah, I don’t want to get too competitive, but I’d be happy to host.”

“Great, so we’ve got food and a place for this tournament to go down,” said Jake. “Now all we need is-”

“Did I hear tell of a friendly yet competitive Poker Night?” inquired Captain Holt.

“Oh, no,” explained Amy, “it’s just that Jake and I have to settle who would win, and the best way to do that is to play, I wouldn’t want to put you out, you don’t have to come.”

“Well, then,” said Holt. “I certainly wouldn’t want to intrude on score-settling via poker.  Of course, I was captain of my college’s poker team for three years straight.  May I inquire whether you’ll playing the classic Texas Hold-’Em, simple Five-Card Stud, or the more amateurish Five-Card Draw?”

“Huh-buh what now?” Jake said.

Amy jumped in, “I’m sorry, sir, but did you just say you were captain of your college poker team?”

“Indeed.”

CUT TO FLASHBACK

* * *

_College-age Ray Holt has a smallish afro, but lacks the epic mustache we see in his early police days. He sits at a round common room table, surrounded by white ‘80s dudebros. There are a fair few moustaches, one guy has a ponytail, a couple have slogan t-shirts, and at least one is wearing a velour tracksuit._

“I’m all in,” says Holt. “I wouldn’t advise you to bet against me, this flush is as straight as I am.”

_There is some vague nervous laughter from the dudebros, who all promptly fold. Holt takes the pot._

* * *

END FLASHBACK

 

In the aftermath of the poker game, Jake just sat there, stunned. “How did I lose that much money in one night?”

“It didn’t help that you don’t know the rules and have no experience,” said Amy.

“Also, Amy cheated,” said Rosa.

“Advantage play isn’t cheating, it’s just frowned upon,” protested Amy.

“Advantage play?” asked Jake.

“Santiago is referring to the practice of counting cards, Peralta,” said Holt. “In addition, I anticipated the eventuality of a Casual Poker Night amongst the members of the precinct, and prepared accordingly.” At everyone’s confused looks, he clarified, “I spent the last few months analyzing everyone’s tells. Except Rosa’s, for obvious reasons.”

“I don’t have any tells. I’ve been bluffing this entire time.” Rosa grabbed a nacho from the center of the table and leaned back in her chair.

“This has been fun, but it’s time for me to go,” said Terry, gathering up his modest winnings. “I’ll see you all tomorrow. Oh, and Jake? Just play the cards, man.”

“No! You have to play the people,” countered Gina. “My incredible perception and intuition about people guided me through this poker night, straight to victory. But Terry is right, it is time to blow this joint. No offense, Charles, but it was enough of a fight to get you to make normal nachos, I don’t want to have to restrain you to get you to make a normal dessert.”

Charles said, “I mean, you’ll miss my savory interpretation of kugelhopf, or Gugelhupf, a traditional Austrian-”

“Yeah, don’t care” interrupted Gina. “Byee!” she said, and swanned out the door.

“But seriously, Amy, when did you get so good?” asked Jake.

“Well, my brothers introduced me to the basics, but my probability class in college, as well as some independent studying, introduced me to card counting. And then I got a lot of practice fleecing my colleagues at previous precincts,” Amy smirked and shrugged. “Guess I’ve still got it.”

“Of course, you entirely neglected the psychology of the game in playing the cards rather than the players,” said Holt. “Which is why my take was ultimately larger than yours.”

“And both of you are nerds. Which is why I whooped both your asses,” said Rosa with a grin. “Respectfully, sir. Rematch some time?”

“Count me in,” said Amy. “I might have to dust off the old Applied Probability Theory lecture notes, but I’m taking you down.”

“Not until after I’ve finally found her tell and destroyed her finances and confidence, Santiago,” said Holt. “Respectfully, Diaz. I will be there.”

“I could come, round out the table,” suggested Jake, only to be cut off by four simultaneous “No!”s.

“Jake, that is a spectacularly bad idea,” Charles chimed in. “As your best friend, I cannot allow you to do that. However, if you want to join me in the peanut gallery, there will be kettle corn and spiked hot chocolate.”

“Oh wow, Charles, I am so there. Poker Night Part Deux: Know When to Fold ‘Em!”

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s note: I’m saying Holt went to college in the early 80s based on Andre Braugher’s age and the fact that, nowadays at least, you need to be 21 to join the police force. I put him in a college that wasn’t an HBCU, figured he’d stay local, maybe CUNY, somehow end up playing poker with a bunch of clueless white dudes. Also, I totally picture two of the guys in the college poker club being Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake’s iconic characters from SNL.
> 
> P.S. Sorry not sorry about the Kenny Rogers references.


End file.
